Past Presents Future


Past Presents Future

It’s been four months since I last heard your voice

I’ve been coping so well, I thought I was over you

Until I was backed into a corner, where there was no avoiding

Memories of you, of us

Of who we were, what we had

Of what we could have been

I had to give you up as if you were a sin

For a year, I came to know you like the back of my hand

Today, it’s as if I fell in love with a stranger

Just another grain, now lost in the sand

My greatest fear is never finding something like what we had

Something so significant

Made up of all the little things

Things,  that made us who we were

Are things, that I loss

And I find myself, desperately searching for those same things

In other relationships

Constantly reflecting back to us

Constantly hoping to replicate an identical “us”

That’s what we called ourselves, “us”

And the truth is, I should stop the search

I should stop comparing

Cuase as daring as it may seem, reality is

There was only one, “us,” there can never be another

I wonder if it was real

If we, were real

“Us” was my reality, our reality

But it faded so quickly

How does something so amazing cease to exist so quickly?

It doesn’t

You may be gone

We may have died

But in my heart

You’re still alive

We, are still thriving

Going strong, never skipping a beat

We are complete…

I fear I will never be complete

Without you in my life

I loss the puzzle piece

I didn’t have a duplicate made

There is no back up

It seems, life would be much easier

If I could just back up

Into our past

Relive our past in the present

And pray to God we had a future just as good, if not better

But the reality is that it will never

So now what?

Simply holding onto memories of what used to be

Is like being locked in prison, longing to be free

Moving on is like wishful thinking

I keep thinking and thinking….

The more I think, the less I’m living

Just to hear your voice, your laughter, one more time

Just to see your smile, one more time

Just to feel your touch, one more time

One more time…

Wouldn’t be enough

No, it wouldn’t be enough

But like a malnourished soul

I would be eternally grateful.

Everyone knows that breakups can be challenging. Especially, when you lose the very one you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with. I lost my boyfriend, my fiance, my best friend, and my brother, all in one, at once. It happened unexpectedly. The relationship that I’d invested so much time, energy and love into, abruptly came to an end. All of a sudden, I had to trade in my fairy tale for reality. And sometimes, reality is just butt ugly and sucks.

We broke up on my birthday. And for about four, long weeks, I felt as if I was living in hell. My vision was so clouded, I couldn’t see past my pain. I was grieving over a lost friend, lover and brother. I tried to bury myself in prayer, but half the time, I never knew what to say. I was feeling some type of way that wasn’t healthy and I just wanted it to end. I didn’t think it would be possible for me to feel the same way I felt about him, about anyone else ever again. All I could think was, why me God, why me? Why did you allow me to go so far far into a relationship, that seemed so right and too good to be true, only to pull the rug from under my feet. It took me forever to accept that what I had could actually be real. And when I finally did, it all came crashing down.

After a month went by, I finally began to start feeling like my old self. Only, with a part of me, missing. I began to adjust to my old reality and got back into my daily routine. It was the most difficult thing, because I felt as if a part of me had died, was still attached to my body, and I was left to carry the dead weight right along with me as I continued on living. Somehow, I made it from there, to here.

Here, is a place of peace and hope. God led me here. Honestly, if God hadn’t rescued me, I’d probably have done something stupid and crazy. Not only did God guard my heart, but he protected my mind. When I felt as if I’d lost everything, he helped me realize that I hadn’t. To this day, I have no idea why things had to end the way they did. But I do know that God was with me before, during and here after. And whatever is to come, I know he’ll be with me then.

All those tears and sleepless nights are gone. I am able to carry on. I may never understand why I had to go through this. But I know that someday, it will all work together for my good.

Romans 8:28 says, 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (NIV). 

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