Past Presents Future
It’s been four months since I last heard your voice
I’ve been coping so well, I thought I was over you
Until I was backed into a corner, where there was no avoiding
Memories of you, of us
Of who we were, what we had
Of what we could have been
I had to give you up as if you were a sin
For a year, I came to know you like the back of my hand
Today, it’s as if I fell in love with a stranger
Just another grain, now lost in the sand
My greatest fear is never finding something like what we had
Something so significant
Made up of all the little things
Things, that made us who we were
Are things, that I loss
And I find myself, desperately searching for those same things
In other relationships
Constantly reflecting back to us
Constantly hoping to replicate an identical “us”
That’s what we called ourselves, “us”
And the truth is, I should stop the search
I should stop comparing
Cuase as daring as it may seem, reality is
There was only one, “us,” there can never be another
I wonder if it was real
If we, were real
“Us” was my reality, our reality
But it faded so quickly
How does something so amazing cease to exist so quickly?
You may be gone
We may have died
But in my heart
You’re still alive
We, are still thriving
Going strong, never skipping a beat
We are complete…
I fear I will never be complete
Without you in my life
I loss the puzzle piece
I didn’t have a duplicate made
There is no back up
It seems, life would be much easier
If I could just back up
Into our past
Relive our past in the present
And pray to God we had a future just as good, if not better
But the reality is that it will never
So now what?
Simply holding onto memories of what used to be
Is like being locked in prison, longing to be free
Moving on is like wishful thinking
I keep thinking and thinking….
The more I think, the less I’m living
Just to hear your voice, your laughter, one more time
Just to see your smile, one more time
Just to feel your touch, one more time
One more time…
Wouldn’t be enough
No, it wouldn’t be enough
But like a malnourished soul
I would be eternally grateful.
Everyone knows that breakups can be challenging. Especially, when you lose the very one you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with. I lost my boyfriend, my fiance, my best friend, and my brother, all in one, at once. It happened unexpectedly. The relationship that I’d invested so much time, energy and love into, abruptly came to an end. All of a sudden, I had to trade in my fairy tale for reality. And sometimes, reality is just butt ugly and sucks.
We broke up on my birthday. And for about four, long weeks, I felt as if I was living in hell. My vision was so clouded, I couldn’t see past my pain. I was grieving over a lost friend, lover and brother. I tried to bury myself in prayer, but half the time, I never knew what to say. I was feeling some type of way that wasn’t healthy and I just wanted it to end. I didn’t think it would be possible for me to feel the same way I felt about him, about anyone else ever again. All I could think was, why me God, why me? Why did you allow me to go so far far into a relationship, that seemed so right and too good to be true, only to pull the rug from under my feet. It took me forever to accept that what I had could actually be real. And when I finally did, it all came crashing down.
After a month went by, I finally began to start feeling like my old self. Only, with a part of me, missing. I began to adjust to my old reality and got back into my daily routine. It was the most difficult thing, because I felt as if a part of me had died, was still attached to my body, and I was left to carry the dead weight right along with me as I continued on living. Somehow, I made it from there, to here.
Here, is a place of peace and hope. God led me here. Honestly, if God hadn’t rescued me, I’d probably have done something stupid and crazy. Not only did God guard my heart, but he protected my mind. When I felt as if I’d lost everything, he helped me realize that I hadn’t. To this day, I have no idea why things had to end the way they did. But I do know that God was with me before, during and here after. And whatever is to come, I know he’ll be with me then.
All those tears and sleepless nights are gone. I am able to carry on. I may never understand why I had to go through this. But I know that someday, it will all work together for my good.
Romans 8:28 says,
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (NIV).